So, yippee! (please insert a good amount of sarcasm!)
What do people do in such situations? Most people just switch to a different job and be done with it. I don’t because I can’t imagine being anything else but a scientist. So what do people like that do? They fight. But what if they fought already many battles and lost several times? I have been promised a lot during my university time. Professors made offers and said they had PhDs/jobs. Turned out to be bullshit! I was happy to finally have a job training with my PhD project manager (whom I now cannot call my doctor-father-to-be anymore), who was the first person who was eager to help me out and was upfront with me from the start. But we were turned down now for the second time and it is not quite nice for him since it is because of personal harassment. For me it is not quite nice, because this is my life and my goals that get drained down the toilet. When is it time to give up? I cannot find any motivation in life. Being a scientist means quite all for me. It is the way I think and how I live. I cannot just “do something else”. My best friend who is my closest pupil and studied geology with me is now going to be a police officer. I cannot do that. I mean I was interested in working for the BND, but I do not fulfil the health criteria for becoming a government officer (they are strict about this). I have absolutely no idea what I should do and I have absolutely nobody to ask. Or I should better say, the people who I do ask tell me to do something different, but can’t tell me what!
So, as this happened last year I was depressive for I think…hmmm… the entire year and I just managed to recover and was starting to feel ok. I was really excited to go on vacation now and was all smiles this morning. I can’t really tell how I feel now.
At the moment I am wondering how to define the word failure and thinking about what it means to me. I am wondering how people live on with knowing that their life is a failure? Even if I would do something else which is what I am doing right now already (although I hoped it to be only temporary) it would still mean a fail to me. I do believe in honour. And I do believe there will be no afterlife and therefore I should make the best of the one life given to me, but what if it is not possible? People always try to cheer me up, but no one has succeed in doing so. As thankful I am for the little support I have I still have next to no meaning in life or solutions.
So much for that. I figure I have a week to think about it during my well-planned and now screwed vacation and then it is back to working on a job I really take no pride or meaning from. I do not even give a damn about the money I am earing. It really means completely nothing to me to have money, so that does not motivate me at all to be forced to take a job out of my field.
Anyway I will be afk from the 2nd to the 8th.
